The past couple of weeks have been heavily characterised by relationship talk for me. I seemed to encounter more and more young ladies expressing their strong desire to find a husband sooner rather than later and on the other hand, recently married women wishing they could tell us, single ladies, explicitly why it is they encourage us to take our time all the while trying to mask their dissatisfaction at how mockingly obvious it now appears to them that marriage is not all they fantasised it to be.
It also got me thinking too about how ready I believe myself to be, for marriage. I don’t think I am, but then again who really is?!
If I want to do marriage God’s way, respecting the role He has created for me as not only my husband’s “help-meet” but also as his “equal partner” in the blessings of God in our marriage, I have a lot of work to do on myself.
Being the Type A personality that I am, it is my nature to be somewhat controlling and know-it-all which is naturally frustrating for any man with an ego. So you can imagine that the kind of submission required to be your husband’s help-meet yet equal partner is not something that I am naturally endowed it by virtue of my very nature.
Now that I know this about myself, I have been going on a journey with God, allowing Him to mould me into the kind of woman I need to be for my husband. Two captains can’t run a ship and I need to start practicing before marriage, how to give room for the real Captain to take over.
I remember one day I was heading home from work and I found myself talking to God, asking Him how I can be better for my life partner because I can’t bridle my tongue and I still struggle to take a backseat to let men be men. And I felt like God was asking me to practice how to pray for my man DAILY – he told me to start with an hour a day till it becomes a habit. I thought surely that can’t be all but I decided it was worth a shot seeing as all my other natural methods weren’t helping me.
The first morning I did this literally blew me away with all the things God was telling me about what this journey is supposed to look like, not just for me, but for every woman who expects to be a wife someday. So I thought I’d share a few revelations straight outta my journal (I’m writing these as God/Holy Spirit talking in first person FYI):
- Learn to hand him over to Me. I made Him exactly just the way he is and you should know that I don’t make mistakes. You just keep on praying: for his success – that he will be productive and fruitful in all the endeavours I set before him; about his flaws – i.e. vent about these to Me; for his mindset – especially against that of discouragement and frustration and; for his calling which I have already placed within him – so that it will be made manifest in His life and destiny.
- Arguments and disagreements are promised because you are two very unique individuals but you must start learning to REPORT him to me rather than engage in a battle of words and cause tempers to flare any more than they need to. And when you report him to me, let that be the end of it – don’t go back to poke a sleeping bear with your nagging and under-your-breath murmurs.
- Commanding the morning on his behalf should increasingly become a habit for you. Marriage is one of the devil’s choicest playgrounds because of how sacred it is to me, and when he can no longer stoke fires because you have mastered the two points above, he will not hesitate to attempt to make your Ephesians chapter 6 verse 12 battle that much harder by toying with your husband’s ability to grow his accomplishments.
- Continuously ask me for the strength to be the woman I have called you to be in his life. It is I that said that the man who finds a wife, finds a good thing (Proverbs chapter 18 verse 22), not the other way ’round. It is also I that commands that a man must treat his wife in the ways he knows he should – with love, respect and honour – lest his prayers be hindered (1 Peter chapter 3 verse 7). What else do you need to hear to know and understand how very important you are to his natural and spiritual success? But you may have to endure various trials along the way because life is imperfect and because the marriage union is important to Me. It doesn’t matter though, because with My strength in you, you’ll endure gracefully till the end of it all and you will receive the crown of life I have already promised (James chapter 1 verse 12).
- Continuously ask Me for to provide you with a servant’s heart. You know that in My Kingdom, the servants are the real leaders because it is their humility that exalts them (Matthew chapter 23 verse 11 to 12). There is power in your submissive demeanour, not as a door-mat but as a woman of grace and as one possessing a gentle and quiet spirit which you already know is very precious in My sight (1 Peter chapter 3 verse 4).
By the time I took my pen off the pages of my journal, I was hungry. Whoever just heard and wrote all that down was something greater than myself but it used me and I really needed to eat to regain strength! In more current colloquialism, “I was weak”, lol!
When we read about the Proverbs 31 woman, we underestimate how much she has to do to keep her marriage and family intact while also being accomplished in her businesses. Where else could she possibly get all that energy from if not from God Himself?
I feel like where most of us as women miss it a little bit is by mixing or replacing God’s way with the world’s way:
- God’s way is “trust me to make him the man He is destined to be” – The world’s way is, “We only do finished products please”
- God’s way is, “I’ve called you to be his help-meet” – The world’s way is, “Please, it’s okay to be selfish and just focus on yourself”
- God’s way is, “let me do the changing ’cause that’s not in your power” – The world’s way is, “you ALWAYS have to tell him what exactly he’s doing wrong and make sure he feels bad about it too!”
- God’s way is, “I don’t like divorce so if you do get married, it’s forever!” – The world’s way is, “you don’t have to stay if you’ve fallen out of love or if it gets too hard for you”,
I could go on and on but you get the point.
Your significant other will NEVER be perfect or fulfil your every need or be there for you every time and guess what? Neither will you be same for him!
One of my “mummies” in church asked me a question, “if God gave you the perfect guy and said you need to put at least one flaw in Him, what would it be?” It really got me thinking long and hard and I realised that actually, perfection is an illusion. I don’t think it’s something our limited minds can comprehend. I couldn’t pick a flaw because I couldn’t even describe what perfection would look like. Sure, we have our ideals of what would make a perfect man but they are just ideals at the end of the day and we need to be careful that our ideals don’t cloud God’s ideals.
A fulfilling purposeful marriage is not impossible but it sure will be a lot of hard work by virtue of the very different individuals trying to make it work.
So ladies, if you find that man who your spirit agrees with and he already has the fundamental principles of a good character and integrity coupled with a few other traits that their absence would have been a deal breaker for you, then dont sweat the rough edges. We’ve all got an apportionment of rough edges and it’s only time and practice that can eventually give the appearance of them being smoothed out. You just keep communing with God continuously and as a habit about the man He has given unto you, to be a blessing to.
Let’s become a generation of women who aren’t just wives by title, but rather in spirit and in truth.
Lastly, EVERY woman needs to watch the movie War Room. That’s all I’ll say about it. Awesome movie!
In the name of love, God’s way,