I don’t personally know Taty but she reached out to me when the project started saying she found out about it and wanted to share her story. Of course, I obliged her and was intrigued. Taty was actually an atheist until last year and is now on her way to school for Global Ministry! If this isn’t a powerful testimony of how God can turn what the enemy meant for evil in our lives into good, I don’t know what is! I don’t want to spoil it for you. Just read and be blessed!
I did not grow up like many other children. My childhood was not the type that people usually think of when they hear the word childhood. I grew up dealing with a lot of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. As people say, I grew up faster than what I was supposed to.
I did not grow up in a Christian home and did not end up giving my life to God until January 18th, 2015. Before then I was an atheist and believed that God didn’t exist. A friend of mine kept asking me to come to her church and I finally broke and went that Sunday. That day I did not expect that I was going to give my life to God, but I did! Since then my life has completely changed.
I sat there many nights next to pills and blades contemplating on what to do. One cut after another was the only thing I thought could numb my pain. I’ve had so many thoughts of taking my life. I would make plans on how to hang myself and where. I would google how many pills it would take to kill me so I could be sure of my death. I would take them. I tried poisoning myself. I wanted to take myself away from what I had to deal with, but I lived and that makes me one of the lucky people. One of the people who stands at the top of a bridge and look down but not jump, one of those people who survives.
I was always afraid that people would find out about the things that I was dealing with. That the darkness under my light would show and my pain under my personality would come out of hiding. I feared myself. I feared my honesty, I feared my light, I feared my vulnerability, and that fear made me feel like I was being pushed into a corner or a hole and there was only one way out, and so I thought about that way all the time.
I was told about the love of Jesus and that He loved me despite my past and what I have done, I have been forgiven and should not be ashamed of what I’ve done. That through Christ and His word is where I find freedom. I felt hopeless and as if I did not have a purpose. I learned that where I dwell is where the enemy is and he empowers me to stay there. I have made many mistakes in my life, but mistakes are only temporary. Where I have made those mistakes is not where I stop and rest. I no longer am living in my past and I will continue moving forward, letting God lead me. He is real and will not leave me.
I’m so glad that I am came to know Jesus and that He is constantly working in my life. I’m not yet dead, so His work is not finished. I am a witness and I love Him, because even when I gave up on myself, He did not give up on me. I thank Him every day that I am still alive. Without His power out-powering the strength I thought was mine, I would not be able to see today. Without Him I have found that I am nothing. I was lost, I hated everything about myself, and my life. I had no control over my feelings or what was going on in my head.
I was raped and molested many times, rejected, and abandoned my parents. I was abused and neglected. I was addicted to pornography. I wasn’t sure of my sexual identity. At one point I considered myself as being bisexual. I started drinking and got into drugs. I wanted to be in gangs. I was involved in things that I shouldn’t have been. I was suicidal and insecure. I developed an eating disorder. I was abused and always broken down by those who I thought loved me the most. I really did not know how to truly love someone because I didn’t know how it felt to be loved. I was diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, OCD, PTSD, and Anorexia. I felt alone as if no one cared if I died or not. Emptiness was all that I ever felt.
The things that I dealt and deal with and have done does not mean I am weak nor is it my identity. I have been brought down so low, but only to show me I can go further, and my darkness has only made me realize that darkness does not last forever. My pain and struggles, more than anything, has given me further outlooks, and my hurt, has given me hope and faith, faith in myself, and faith that it does get better!
I can say that I no longer am depressed. I no longer have the desire to self-harm or take pills. I no longer have those addictions. I no longer feel as if I am enslaved to my past. I am so glad God came in and completely took over my life. He has always had me, I just did not have Him and I am so happy that I do now. His timing is always perfect.
Starting January 2017, I will be attending Grand Canyon University to go to school for Global Ministry.